Being Gentle w/myself in the Mirror
"I had to be kind and gentle with myself when I walked by a mirror." -Michele Roseman
There are 3 mirrors in this house. Not including the tv screen when its off and the glass kitchen door. I really only see myself in the night time when the kids have been laid to rest and i get a chance to stand in front of the full body mirror.
I believe myself to be fearless because I am able to face my entire body in the mirror. Knowing that my motivational speeches will still make me doubt what my eyes see.
I have to be super gentle with the eyes I choose to use when looking at my hair, under eye, breasts, belly and butt.
They are the parts of my being I fearlessly face as I step in front of that mirror. I try to love the shit out of every single part of my body that gravity, 2 children and food have not been fair to.
I am a preacher of self-love. I believe people should love every bit of themselves. When the world wants to force us to see ugly, I see magic and I wholeheartedly believe in our preciousness.
This morning, as I received “i love you’s” and kisses, I could not shake the annoying voice in my head thats constantly yelling “saggy!”, “you shouldn't lay on your chest, you're going to squish them saggy titties all the way down to your belly button”, “are your areoles bigger than your breasts now?”, “before you preach this breastfeeding empowerment crap, accept ya boobs are trash, ma”
These voices, they’ve convinced me that I need a breast lift. They've convinced me that my insecurities can only be solved with a breast lift. At this point, I don't know what feels worse, the sagginess or society convincing me that my breasts are not beautiful. The empowerment speeches are not enough! Why do I no longer see the beauty, the preciousness, the magic? I feel that I've lost at self-love. I no longer believe the empowering words. Everything that I have ever fought for; making people love the shit out of their magic, where has it gone? if I get a breast lift, will this mean I do not love myself? Even worse, does it mean I will not be able to see your magic?