It’s been a few years. The last time we spoke in person, it was bad, not like Jerry Springer bad, but like maybe Judge Judy bad. It was weird and you were fully armored. I didn’t get it then, but I get it now.
You straight up disrespected me in the best way.
The most civil of breakups. First time for everything, right? A lot happened before you and I had no business being with you. Part of me knew that, but I was so in love with your light. I don’t live with regrets, just very poor decisions. Regardless of what transpired, you weren’t a bad decision. Do I want to speak to you? Nope. Will we ever meet up for coffee? Not in this lifetime.
Two and a half years later, I thank you for being the final catalyst in me finally embarking on my self-love journey.
I was a real hot mess after that final goodbye that came in the form of a let-me-tell-you-about-yourself email. Never has anyone spoken to me like that. Ever. I guess you were the Clarity I needed. How ironic. I mourned you for months, but in reality, I was mourning the death of a very difficult and life changing era, sprinkled with a dash of being afraid of what would come next. I was so angry, but mostly with myself. While I truly believe that you meant well by handling me the way you did at the end, I will say you were shitty too. By the way, thanks for the Like on my goodbye America picture I posted on my Instagram before coming to Peace Corps Vanuatu. Aw, you check up on me still? That sounded bitchy, let me stop.
Speaking of which, funny how we met that recruiter down at NYU that day. Did you think I was playing games? I did it and now I’m thousands of miles away from home, glowing. Deconstructing, analyzing, meditating, reassembling and learning. Always learning. This place has given me the space and time I needed to really go over the last few years, review my relationships with friends, family, lovers and partners. It’s teaching me one of the most important lessons; always forgive yourself. I’m so comfortable in my own mind that I never thought possible.
This place is magic.
I know you’re off doing amazing work somewhere and being everything I admired you were, but so am I. Best of luck to you. I’m not giving you all the credit, for my current state because that would be a lie, plus umm hell no. I just wanted to acknowledge that I heard you. I actually listened. You were right in some things, petty in others. I thought of sending you this directly, but that means unblocking you on everything and well no, there’s no need to have contact. We’re fine. If you read this, I’m sending you so much love and positive light, no bs. Thank you for the lessons. Be well.
*Inspired by the amazing and badass Jasmine Man’s Dear Ex-Lover, after binging on She’s Gotta Have It (movie and Netflix’s tv show adaptation, back to back) and being creeped on at my home for the third time at site. Three is a magic number, no?